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101 Things You Can Do With a Phone Book
by Melanie

This is a response to the comic, Phone Books. More specifically, the comments on the Smack Jeeves page.

1. Rip it in half to demonstrate your strength
2. Cut a hole in it and hide another book
3. Look stuff up
4. Hit a politician over the head
5. Walpaper a room you want to be yellow
6. Wallpaper a room you want to be white
7. Balance it on your head to improve your posture
8. Use each page to make a different oragami bird
9. Use each page to make a different potato chip
10. Crumple each page into a sculpture of a different one of your friends wearing a quixotic expression
11. Call random people and ask them to be your friends until you have as many friends as there are pages in the phone book
12. Make a paper mache pinata
13. Make a paper mache phone book, to scale.
14. Draw on all the pages and make a flip book.
15. Once you have ripped it in half, interlace all the pages so that it is almost impossible to pull apart
16. Fill a room with paper snow flakes ("Ew! Why are those ones yellow?")
17. Cut a hole in the first page so big you can walk through it. Then challenge yourself to cut a bigger hole in each consecutive page.
18. Carry it with you everywhere you go for a week just to see how people react
19. Carry it with you everywhere for a year as an act of penance
20. Hold it away from your body for long periods of time to develope arm strength
21. Rip it into three pieces, and learn to juggle
22. Pretend it is a giant mouth, and force it to eat your vegetables
23. Use it as a wig
24. Prop it on an open door so it falls on someone's head
25. Make paper chains
26. If you are short, sit on it at the kitchen table
27. If you are tall, sit on it at the kitchen table to make the short person feel even shorter
28. Frost it as a cake and give it to someone who's birthday is on April first
29. Flip through the pages quickly to fan yourself on a hot day
30. Add it to your nonfiction library to make you look smarter
31. Draw hidden messages on the edges of the pages that appear when you bend it at different angles
32. Use it as the basis for a secret code
33. If you are schizophrenic, attempt to crack the code already hidden within its pages
34. Sew it into clothing
35. Dog-ear all the pages so it takes up twice as much space on the shelf
36. Make confetti
37. Test the limits of your paper shredder in an epic showdown
38. Put it in a plastic bag and read it underwater
39. Whenever you have a problem, open it to a random page and point to a random word. Interpret this word as a divine message and follow it religiously
40. Test your children for savantism by trying to force them to memorize it. (Please don't actually do this.)
41. Place it under your TV, to provide the pleasant illusion that you have cable
42. Bullet-proof a car for cheap
43. Make jam the old-fashioned way
44. Draw a smiley-face on it and start calling it "Wilson"
45. Use as toilet paper
46. Make counterfeit money out of it's pages
47. Make an impromtu Big Bird costume
48. Use as kindling
49. Paper over your windows
50. Braid strips of it into someone's hair while they are sleeping
51. If you have anorexia, eat it. Very few calories, very good chance of hospitalization
52. Waste several hours of your life trying to figure out what else you could possibly do with it
53. Cover your floor with pages. Replace them every once in a while. Never mop again.
54. Make paperclay sculptures
55. Chew on it, because gum is expensive
56. Insulate your chicken coup
57. Replace someone's grilfriend with it and see how long it takes him to notice. If long, tell girlfriend to dump him.
58. Fold into a great deal of very fragile boxes
59. Use as doorstop
60. Make a collage out of the pictures
61. Write threatening messages without revealing your handwriting
62. Make paper hat
63. Block a throwing knife
64. Make spit wads
65. Wrap presents
66. Staunch bleeding
67. Construct medical sling
68. Give someone a great deal of papercuts
69. Carve into the shape of a phone
70. Love it unconditionally until it magically turns into a real book
71. Make paper flowers
72. Use as impromptu gravestone. Surprisingly biodegradeable
73. Stuff pillows with it
74. Mix it with water, bottle it, and advertize as the latest technology in painless hair removal
75. Construct wings and attempt to fly
76. Use to cover eyes while napping
77. Write a small number on the front and replace your bathroom scale
78. Give it to your gerbil as nesting material
79. Consider it an almost unending supply of paper plates. Suggest using more than one page at a time
80. Lace with poison and set out for mice to nibble on
81. Make lace out of pages
82. Refresh your memory about the order of the alphabet
83. Make paper beads
84. Cut holes through it and rest your laptop on it to keep it from overheating
85. Make mulch for plants
86. Drop on your roof to test the strenth of shingles
87. Replace someone's matress with it and see how long it takes them to notice. If long, hire a chiropractor
88. Barracade a mouse hole
89. Throw at window to test strength and safety of glass
90. In prison, turn a page for every day to keep track of the passage of time
91. Press flowers between the pages to preserve them
92. Rip slowly to shreds on a nerve-wracking day
93. Cut holes through it, and use it as a center peice that holds assorted pens
94. Stand on it when you can't quite reach the top shelf
95. Cut a hole in it the shape of your foot to make a custom shoe
96. Shoot at it for sport
97. Drop on ants when they crowd onto your floor or counter
98. Place your clean laundry between pages in liew of an iron
99. Cut a maze into it with several dents in the bottom. Put balls in, and make a tiltable puzzle.
100. Make paper leaves and glue them to your tree during winter months
101. Paint it black and white and pretend it's your pet dalmation